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Crossovers on Crack

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[Jun. 20th, 2006|03:34 am]
Crossovers on Crack

ed_vs_angel

[kalaidascopeeye]
Here ya go! The rest of EVA, to the date. The long-awaited final chapter is lazily being put off in the works, so stay tuned!

Crossover: Fullmetal Alchemist/Angel
Genre: Crack/Fluff/Slash
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: doing THINGS to puddles, scary violin music, fuzzy accessories


Ed vs Angel Chapter 10

Previously, in the deserted Smile Time theatre…

Ed: I’m a *bleepin’* puddle again!


Angel: *dramatically* Woeful Ed, I shall HELP YOU!

All: …

Wes: Let me consult my books.

2: OMG! Vintage Giles line!

1: It must be a watcher thing.

Envy: *molests Spike in the background*

Al: *scarred for life in an alternate dimension*

Ed-puddle: *weeps*

Wes: *gasps, looking up from books* Wait! Th-this can’t be right!

Roy: What? What is it?!

Wes: Well *deep breath* Ed must undergo a terrible procedure…

Wes: …that involves making out with subsequently with a Vampire, a Sin, and a Dog.

Envy: Whoa!

Angel: *excited*

Ed-puddle: *screams*

Out-of-control violin music echoes from the walls

Wes: And after all that…

All: GASPS, HORRORS, SHOCKS, and MATHS

Roy: There’s more?!

Wes: HE HAS TO DANCE THE CAN-CAN!!

Envy: …that would be interesting. >.>

Angel: *to Ed* SO, are you ready, sweetie? *puckers up*

Ed-puddle: AAAAAAAAA- wait.

Ed-puddle: How can you make out with a puddle?

More violin music ensues

Piano music is played

1: Hey! Get back over here!

2: *spazzing on her piano*

2: Sorry.

Wes: *ponders*

Envy: *ponders*

Roy: *ponders*

Angel: *tries to ponder, but the hair gel is stopping him*

Spike: *hasn’t had a line*

Ed-puddle: I think I could get used to being a puddle.

Stu: Hey, I make out with puddles all the time?

All: O_o

All: o_O

Roy: Hey, I thought you disintegrated?

Dead!Stu: Aw, shucks! *gets pulled back into hell by Billy*

Envy: There must be a trick to it.

Roy: To what?

Envy: To making out with puddles. Where have you been?

Spike: *breaks his silence* You lot are a bunch of sodding ninnies! EVERYBODY knows how to make out with a bloody puddle! *makes out with Ed-puddle, using as much British slang as possible*

Ed-puddle: *swoons*

All: *watch in awe*

Angel: *eyes get buggy*

2: GREEN D- *mouth is shut by one*

1: Ow! It bit me! *nurses hand*

2: *cackles, running in circles singing ‘St. Jimmy’*

1: Don’t make me get out the tranqilizer gun… AGAIN

2: *singing* SO GIVE ME NOVOCAINE!!

1: *shoots*

2: *before passing out* …yummy Ritalin…

1: *dials number* Hello, animal control…

Wes: Riiight…

Roy: ANYWAY,

Ed-puddle: *british-ified*

Angel: *bitch-slaps Spike* You did NOT just make out with my boyfriend!!

Spike: *scoffs* Only because you didn’t know how to, Peaches.

Envy: *pouts, turns into green puddle*

OF ENVY

Wes: Shit, now what?

Envy: Maaake out with me, Spiiiiike…

Spike: *rolls eyes* Bloody hell. *makes out with Envy-puddle*

Roy: Moving on, we still need a dog and a sin.

Wes: But Envy is a puddle! Where are we gonna find a sin for HIM?

Roy: Maybe we should just skip to the dog for now…

All: Bleaghhh.

Wes: Hmm, what other sin are there besides you, Envy?

Wes: Well, there’s Pride…

Envy: Eew! I am NOT making out with that old man!

Wes: What about Sloth?

Envy: Eew. That would be so nasty.

Wes: *slightly agitated* Ok then. There’s Wrath…

Envy: Last time I checked, I wasn’t into snot-nosed brats.

Wes: *annoyed* How about Lust?

Envy: HELLO? Female?

Wes: *growling* Fine, how about Gluttony?

Envy: …shut up. Just shut up.

Wes: *spazzing* THEN WHO THE HELL DO YOU WANNA MAKE OUT WITH?!?!

Envy: Well… I haven’t seen Greed in a while…

Wes: Fine! *to Roy* Honey, do you know where we can find this… Greed?

Roy: He’s usually hanging around in some dinky bar or club…

Roy: I’m just warning you all, though-

close-up on Roy’s face

Roy: He’s a pimp.

Wes: *nervously* Maybe someone braver should go, like- *is shoved out the door*

Wes: *sees bar called ‘Bar Absinthe’*

Random midgets and bisexual Argentinians are getting drunk in the bar

Wes: *gulp*

Random Boho: Would you like a DRINK?

Wes: Sure, what harm could it do?

Boho: *evil giggle*

Later

Wes: *drunk* Look, I can see Roy’s underwear from here! *falls on the floor*

Strange people pick up the unconscious Wesley and carry him away

Wes: *waking up* Where the hell am I?

Tall person wearing fuzzy thing: Why hello, little one.

Wes: *shocked* A-are you a pimp?

TPWFT: Some call me that, but I find it far to crude…

Wes: Man, what a hangover!

TPWFT: Aspirin?

Wes: Sure, why not?

TPWFT: BECAUSE IT’S MINE!

Wes: *ponders* I wonder if that could be…?

TPWFT: What’s a cute doll like you doing way out here?

Wes: Oh, looking for a fellow named Greed. You wouldn’t happen to know where to find him, would you?

TPWFT: Maybe… but it’s gonna cost you!

Wes: Oh yeah? What?

TPWFT: *leers* Depends on what ya got, like, say, talent.

Wes: Talent? What do you mean?

TPWFT: Want me to show you?

Wes: Uh, sure…

TPWFT: *pulls out complicated diagram*

Wes: ZOMG! THAT’S WHAT THAT MEANS?!

TPWFT: Well, you really have to experience it to know it. *winks*

Argentenian: I like it! *fondles Wes*

TPWFT: Hey, hands off the new merchandise!

Wes: *double-GULP*

TPWFT: Now where were we…

Wes: *faints dramatically*

TPWFT: Hmm, that sucks. It’s so much more fun to molest them when they’re awake…

TPWFT: HEY GREED! C’MERE!

Greed: Yeah, yeah, quit yer yapping.

Greed: What’s this?

Greed: WHY ARE YOU WEARING MY FUZZY THING, DORCHET?

Dorchet: Sorry, boss… *hands over fuzzy thing*

Greed: Hmm, he smells like Envy… and the shrimp… better check it out. Dorchet, quit standing on that platform!

Dorchet: Sorry, boss… *steps down*

Thus, Greed tracked his way back to the deserted Smile Time theatre, carrying the unconscious Wesley

Spike: *staring* Who’s the pimp?

Envy-puddle: Where have you been during the last segment?

Spike: Sorry, I was watching Moulin Rouge with Authoress 2.

1: HEY! That’s not allowed!

2: GAH! I’ve been found! *runs*

1: If charactors see spoilers of their own worlds, who knows what they might do!

Ed: OMFG! My mom and dad have a SEX SCENE? *explodes*

2: *sigh* You have a point…

1: Damn straight! *puts Ed back*

Envy-puddle: Hey Greed.

Greed: What?

Envy-puddle: Make out with me.

Greed: How much will you pay me?

Envy-puddle: We’ll sell him to you. *motions towards still-unconsious Wesley*

Greed: ‘Kay. *makes out with Envy-puddle*

Angel: *turned on by all the making-out*

Roy: Theoretically, I’m a dog, so… *screws up his face and makes out with Envy-puddle*

Ed-puddle: HA! Now you have to do the can-can!

Envy-puddle: No I don’t. *de-puddleises* Ph33r my shapeshifting powers.

Spike: …So you just wanted everyone to make out with you?

Envy: You’re a smart one, all right!

Spike: *pouts* I feel used.

Envy: Ain’t it kinky?

Spike: *ponders*

Spike: Well, yeah, yeah, I guess it is… *blush*

Everyone Else: …

Authoresses: *high off the SPENVY*

Basically, to cut out another seventy-three pages of text, Envy and Roy simultaneouly make out with Ed-puddle, and then Angel uses his incredible dancing skill to inspire him to do the can-can.

Ed: I be human! HALLELUJAH!

AND NOW:

1: That is the END of the Chapter Ten prologue!

Fans of the fic (do they exist?): GASP

1: That’s right, since we are in double digits and all, we wanted to prolong your agony!!

2: WOOT!

1: ON WITH THE FIC!

Fan(s): *dead*

Ed: I’m human! I gotta celebrate somehow!

Spike: Maybe we should get ‘im really drunk or something?

None of the charactors seem to realize that a cliché plot device is bearing down on them…

Cackling is heard behind the two-way mirror…

Envy: Ooh! Mirror! Let’s smash it!

2: *beams as she holds up the ‘Seven Deadly Sins’ wallpaper she has*

1: Damn, that’s symbolic.

Roy: *breaks out liquor*

Spike: *takes Wes’ keg ‘o beer*

Spike: *hands to Ed* God, I love underage drinking!

Ed: Normally, I’d protest, but I’m too happy to be meee! *chugs*

Ed falls backwards, landing on the unconscious Wesley

Wes: AAAAAAH!

Ed: Need… more… beer…

Roy: *hands him more beer*

Ed: *chugs away*

Greed: *from lobby* OH MY GAWD YOU GUYS, GET IN HERE! THERE’S PORN!

All: …

Greed: GAY PORN!

Envy and Spike eagerly scramble for the lobby, as Roy drags Wesley with him.

Ed: *staring around drunkenly*

Angel, who has been in the bathroom, emerges into the theater, seeing the now-human Ed

Angel: OH. MY. GAWD!!

Ed: *blinks*

Angel: Dearly beloved, you’re human again! We can finally be together!!

Ed: *seems to be thinking of something*

Angel: Sweetums, could you go down to the hospital and pick me up some O pos?

Ed: Okay. *goes*

Angel: Oh, my poor, delicate little Ed! All that trauma of being a puppet! And he still has the time to get me some blood! What a sweet thing to do!

Angel: But what if? What if he is only doing this because I turned him into a puddle and he wants to soften the blow before he breaks up with me?!

Angel: *makes a stabbing gesture to his heart*

Ed: *comes back* Angel! I got the O-positive blood you asked for, so I am yours for the night. Do whatever you want with me. Oh my God, that totally came out wrong. I just meant I want you to use me and I don't care how degrading it is.

Angel: What?

Ed: No, no, no, it's just that I know that you like torturing people and I am totally up for that. Eh- I just want to make you happy.

Angel: *thinks that Ed must surely be in love with him* *faints*

Ed: *pokes him* *falls asleep*

TO BE CONTINUED

Like, HOLY CRAP, man! What is UP with all this making out?! And just WHAT was Angel doing in the bathroom? I can think of two things, and they both end with '-ation' BUT ONLY AUTHORESS 2 KNOWS THE TRUTH. AND DOES DRUNKEN ED REVEAL HIS TRUE FEELINGS?

ALSO, WHY ARE THE SQUIRRELS GATHERING AN ARMY OF RODENTS?

Crossover: Fullmetal Alchemist/Angel
Genre: Crack/Slash
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: surprisingly short chappie, implied sex, general pervy slash stuff


Ed vs Angel Chapter 11

The very next day…

Ed: *wakes up, yawns, stretches*

Angel: *wakes up, yawns, and flips hair*

Ed: G’morning.

Angel: Hello, my sweet! *hugs*

Ed: GAH! GET OFF ME, YOU BIG FLUFFY PUPPY WITH BAD TEETH!

Angel: *shocked* Well, FINE! Just FORGET about LAST NIGHT!

Ed: *in a small voice* …last night?

Ed: *thinks* I don’t remember anything…

Angel: Ya know, last night

Angel: You really don’t remember anything?

Ed: What should I be remembering?!

Angel: Well, we sort of, consummated our relationship…

Ed: WHAT? What does THAT mean?!

Angel: You, me, and the O positive…

Ed: *looks nervously at the bag of blood, lying suggestively on the ground*

Roy: *pops up* GOOD MORNING, LOVEBIRDS!

Angel: *famous gay giggle*

Envy: Geez, Roy, you think I’m perverted, you were listening to them all night.

Ed: *is very white*

Spike: *elbows Ed* Hey, look at the stud!

Ed: *thinks he might cry soon*

Wes: Yeah, that was so hot how you confessed your love to him!

All: *glare at Wes for ruining the perverted convo*

Ed: Angel, what exactly happened last night? And why do I have such a big hangover?

Angel: Well, you practically declared yourself to me in the CUTEST LITTLE WAY!

Angel: And I quote, “I just want to make you happy,” HOW ADORABLE!

Ed: And what did I… do… next?

Envy: You guys just couldn’t quit.

Envy: All night long, I couldn’t get any sleep! It was disgusting!

Angel: You just loved my O pos!

Ed: Right. So. That’s what happened.

All: …

Ed: YOU STOLE MY VIRGINITY, YOU BASTARD VAMPIRE! *jumps Angel*

Angel: *squeals like no other woman has done before*

Roy: Hey! HEY! No fighting!

Ed: *looks slightly insane*

Spike: *selling tickets outside* $10 to see the catfight, featuring chibi-kittens!

Envy: Only ten bucks?

Spike: *ponder* Right… $60!

2: PONDERPONDERPONDERPONDER!!!!

1: *sigh*

2: *giggles* The Ewan, the EWAN!

Roy: Let’s try to settle this peacefully. Ed, accept that you’ve lost your virginity. Angel, stop trying to discreetly turn this into a sex scene.

Angel: *blush* Ya caught me.

Ed: *removes Angel’s hands and steps back* Fine. What am I supposed to do now?

Spectators: Hey, I want my $60 back!

Envy: Sorry, we’ve already spent it on doughnuts and fenders, can I do some kind of job for you instead?

Spike: *slap* Hey, no offering ‘services’ to other people!

Envy: Baby, can’t I ever offer something without it having to be sexual?

Spike: *slightly girly* Oh, baby, you know how I get. I JUST DON’T LIKE OTHER PEOPLE TOUCHING MY THINGS!

Envy: Who’s bitch do you think you are?!

Envy and Spike bicker in the background

Roy: Well, Angel is a notorious playgirl. You might as well forget about him being faithful…

Angel: It’s not my fault I enjoy a perfectly good gentleman once and a while!

Ed: OH NO YOU DON’T. You did it, now you’re going to have to be RESPONSIBLE for it! Where’s the nearest chapel?!

Roy: This place actually used to be some kind of temple of love… before the puppets came…

Angel: What, you mean I have to be COMITTED? OMFG NO!!

Ed: *chains him to a chair* I’ll be back with a priest willing to marry people against their will!!

Envy: … *dons a tux*

Spike: *glaring at Envy, trying to outdo him by wearing a ballroom gown*

Angel: *sniff* But I wanna be a playgirl!

Angel: *throws tantrum*

Envy: You know, that chair isn’t nailed to the floor or anything…

Wes: Look Roy, I got us matching dresses!

Roy: Oh, baby, I’ll just need to make a few small adjustments to your skirt…

Angel: AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH THIS?

*crickets chirp*

2: I don’t know about you, but I rather enjoy this new ‘diva’ side to Angel…

1: Quite. It’s a refreshing change.

Reader(s): Amen!

Ed: *returns, dragging priest*

Angel: GAAAAAAAAH!!

Priest: Do you, Edward, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Ed: Yes, yes, get on with it…

Priest: Do you, Liam, unwillingly take this short person to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Angel: N-

Ed: *glares*

Angel: Nothing on earth could stop me! *chokes*

Priest: Are there any objections… besides the groom?

Suddenly, the theatre doors burst open and a large figure comes running in.

Al: I OBJECT! I OBJECT!

All: *gasp*

Al: This isn’t right!

Angel: *grovels at Al’s nonexistent feet* I. Love. You.

Al: *absently kicks him away* Brother, what do you think you’re doing?!

Ed: Al, you don’t understand, he-

Al: YOU DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE YOU DRUNKENLY CONFESSED FAKE LOVE TO THEM!

Angel: Hell yeah!

Al: You, shut up.

Wes: Ooh, burn.

Ed: Wait, you mean… we didn’t…

Angel: Um… I kinda, you know, blacked out a little bit…

Ed: You mean to say… we didn’t… oh, THANK YOU!

Envy: It’s over already? Aww…

Angel: *pretends to be cool* Hey babe, wanna go back and try it again?

Al: *looms*

Angel: *nervous laugh*

Ed: *ignoring them, speaking cheerfully* Well, I guess I won’t be needing this after all! *throws out pregnancy test*

Angel: Well, you know, vampires can’t impregnate people in the first place.

Wes: Cept for you and Darla.

Angel: That was different.

Spike: Are you sure? Cuz then I gotta stop paying allemony to Buffy!

Angel: WHAT?!

Envy: HEY!!

Spike: *whistles*

Roy: *murmuring to Wesley* At our wedding, we’ll have blah blah blah and blah blah…

Wesley: *overwhelmed* Really? All that?

Ed: Come on, people, lets get outta this dump!

Angel: K. *strolls along, singing to himself*

All begin to happily walk out

BUT

Envy: *stoops to pick up forgotten pregnancy test* Hey, what is this thing? Is it supposed to be blue?

All: *freeze*

Priest: I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND AND WIFE.


HOLY CRAP. THAT IS ALL I, THE HUMBLE AUTHORESS ONE, HAVE TO SAY: HOLY CRAP.

HOLY SHIT.


The squirrels are staring with their beady little eyes...
























and deep within the bowels of the sea, something you may have thought was gone forever starts to stir...

Crossover: Fullmetal Alchemist/Angel
Genre: Crack/Horror?
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: parodies of old scary movies, the return of Authoress 3, hormonal Ed


OMG EVA Chapter 12?!

Ed vs Angel Chapter 12


2: Doo-doo, doo-doo…

1: Doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo…

Ed: I WANT SOAP!!

Suddenly, the ocean opens up to a whirlpool. Thunder rumbles, the ground shakes.

Random Chorus: *with drums and chanting* BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM!

2: OMFG!

Angel: *bops his head to the beat*

Roy: …I feel deep…

Ed: FEED ME SOAP!!

Suddenly, out of the ocean comes a gigantic ship, complete with sails and stuff. But at the front of the boat is…

All: *gasp*

2: A TALKING FIGUREHEAD?

Authoress 3: You whelp, it’s ME! Mary, mother of God, you stupid poobag!

Angel: Weren’t you Irish?

3: Weren’t you gay?

Angel: *tries to flip his hair* Well, I never.

Spike: In all the years I dated you, you never said it quite like that.

Ed: … *hisses and clutches his belly* Mine…

Envy: *staring at 3* Aren’t you dead?

3: *takes out her cutlass* I don’t know about pregnant shrimp over there, but you’re about to be!

Envy: But I already am dead!

Ed: *hisses again*

Wes: I think the shrimp borrowed some of the good brownies.

2: *giggles and hides her stash*

3: *glares at Ed* Hiss again and I’ll cut you so thin you WILL be a snake!

Ed: GET AWAY FROM MY BELLY!

Roy: This is all very confusing…

Angel: Hey! Quit harassing my hubby!

3: You’re one strange bloke! Stay away from me!

Angel: *pouts*


No one cares

She-who-must-nt-be-named (aka 1’s Kitty): *is randomly the size of a house and swimming towards them* Meyooooooow~

3: How the hell can a cat swim in water? Oh well, to the ship, you worthless cow turds!

2: But I’m afraid of water! *clings to the SPENVY island*

3: I’ll give ye something to be afraid of if you don’t get on the ship!

Roy: WTF… how did we end up on an island? What happened to the Smile Time theatre?

Flashback: Look! I’ll show you!

EARLIER…

Envy: I want to go to the ocean.

Spike: Sure baby!

Flashback: *ends*

3: *fumes* IF ALL OF YE DON’T GET ON THE BLOODY SHIP RIGHT NOW I’LL MAKE YE ALL WALK THE PLANK!

2: *timid voice* Okay then, Angie, Shiny-vamp, and Boring Brit, get on the nice boat!

Angel: *skips*

Spike: *molests random plants*

Wes: *depressed*

1: You heard her, MPreg Shrimp, Dalmation, and Palm Tree- get on da boat!

Ed: *is dragged on by Angel*

Roy: *snaps his fingers to the chorus, burning them*

Envy: *kills people*

3: *turns to the still-burning chorus* Okay, you can stop now!

Chorus: Pay us now!

3: Pay?

Chorus: You said you’d pay us!

3: *grins* Too bad I had my fingers crossed!

Chorus: *glares* FINE! *walks off*

3: :D Okay everyone, to the captain’s quarters!

Envy: Who’s the captian?

3: Definitely not you, no matter what fanfic we’re in.

Envy: Meanie~

3: Ninny!

Envy: *giggles*

3: To the captain's quarters, I say!

2: *ponders* Do you think this is a big enough boat?

Wes: *tries to speak*

Unknown Force: Quiet! How DARE you have an opinion!

Wes: *dies*

Roy: NOOOOOOO!! *clings to his body*

Envy: *pokes Roy*

Roy: *drops Wes* Stop that!

Ed: …soap…

SWMNBN: MEEEEE-YOW!!

All: *panic and fling yellow barrels*

3: All right, all of you, go to a cannon! Load it and prepare to fire! *points at 1* Steer the ship! If one of you dies, we’ll just throw your rotting corpse over the side and forget about you. YOU! *points at Ed* Get in my quarters-

Ed: O.o

3: -you’re too pregnant to fight! Ready… go!!

Ed: *squints at her suspiciously* *walks into cabin*

Roy: Wow, that must’ve hurt.

Ed: *nods*

1: Whee! I get to drive! I get to drive! *grabs wheel*

3: All of ye, prepare to fire! You, get a grip on yourself! Now, you maggots, FIRE!!

1: O.o *twitch*

2: *nervously pours bloody stuff in the water*

Spike: I don’t see how that helps…

SWMNBN: *leaps*

2: AAAbiggerboatHHHHHH!!

1: Show me the way to go hoooooome~ *steers erratically*

2: *joins in drunkenly*

Ed: *runs into cabin several more times*

Angel: Edward! Don’t hurt the baby!

SWMNBN: *licks paw*

All: *doing random things*

2: Uh, guys… *points at paw-licking cat*

3: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR? FIRE!!

Angel: *fires a hole in the ship*

3: STOP BLOWING HOLES IN MY SHIP!

Angel: *grabs Ed* Quick, down the hatch!

Ed: I DON’T WANNA! *gnaws on Angel’s hands*

Envy: FIRE IN THE HOLE! *shoots cannon at 1 for no particular reason*

1: Eep! *dives into shark cage and into the ocean*

Roy: *while running around aimlessly, trips over Wesley’s body* Ahh, my love! We never even got to… *sobs* Miniskirts!!

Wes: *eyes open* MINISKIRTS! *glows*

SWMNBN: *attacks shark cage*

1: Eee! I <3 you, cute kitty! *attempts to pet*

3: *pulls up cage* It’s empty! ONG, she got eaten! Oh well… keep attacking that… that… THING!

2: You’re insane, you’re dead, and YOU’RE INSANE!

Spike: *joins Envy in a cannon*

SUDDENLY, SWMNBN opens her JAWS of terror on swallows 3 in one bite!

SWMNBN: Mmm… meow.

Ed: SOAP DAMMIT.

2: Guess it’s up to me to save the day.

All: …

Envy: We’re doomed. *giggles insanely*

SWMNBN: *swims around ship*

2: EAT COMPRESSED CRACK, BITCH!

SWMNBN: *eats it*

2: Wow, that was easy.

Angel: *wonders*

2: *grabs him*

SWMNBN: *stares*

2: OPEN WIDE! *rips out Angel’s fangs and stabs compressed crack*

SWMNBN: …Meow? *explodes*

2: HALLELUJAH!

SWMNBN: Just kidding! *is unharmed* :P *swims off, spawning a series of shoddy sequals*

All: *raise their eyebrows suspiciously*

Speilberg: Dude, that was so much better then my version. Now go watch War of the Worlds! *plugs*

1: *pops out of the water* 3?

2: *shakes head suggestively* No, not 3.

Ship: *sinks*

2: *ponders* I used to hate the water.

1: Can’t imagine why.

All: *bobbing in water and staring at the Authoresses*


...wow. Authoress Three of the Mary-Sues returns as a PIRATE!! And then dies AGAIN! What is the meaning of all this?! Who knows!! Is Ed's baby mentally damaged now? Will Angel reamain fangless? DO MINISKIRTS CAUSE MIRACLES?

And, how are the squirrels DOING?

Crossover: Fullmetal Alchemist/Angel
Genre: Crack/Slash/Fluff
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: SPENVY Island, scary Wesley, and the MPREG OF DEWM! :O


Ed vs Angel MALE PREGNANCY SPECIAL

Our heroes are stranded in the middle of the ocean…

Angel: Ugh, this seawater is doing nothing for my complexion!

Envy: Fishy… fishy… gonna kill you, fishy…

All ignore them

Spike: Hey, does anybody else see that rather conveniently placed bit o’ land right over there?

Ed: *suddenly* OW! My kidney!

Angel: Oh sweetie, whatever is the matter?

Angel: *bats eyelashes*

Ed: The little bastard kicked me!

Roy: I see you’re coherent now.

Wes: Yes. Quite.

Roy: I say we make a swim for it, then.

Wes: Yes. Let’s.

Roy: . . .

Spike: *rolls eyes* Bugger this. *swims gracefully to the island*

Envy: *ogles him*

Angel: Ed, sweetums, would you like to rest on that conveniently placed bit of land over there?

Ed: Yeah. *wipes sweat off his brow* This thing is killing me!

Angel: Yayness! *propels Ed towards the shore*

Roy: *sighs* Envy. Come on.

Envy: Bye bye fishy… dead fishy… *giggles insanely*

On the island…

Wes: What. A. Veiw.

Roy: Oops! Sorry, my belt came undone.

Angel: *lays Ed down* Feeling better, cupcake?

Ed: *groans* No-ooo-oooooo…

Angel: What? WHAT IS IT?!

Ed: I… think… my water just broke.

All: O.O

Angel: NOOOOOO!! *screams like a… like a…*

Envy: Ninny!

Angel: *yes, like that!*

Roy: Oh… oh no… I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT GIVING BIRTH!!

Wes: I. Knew. It.

Roy: *hyperventilates*

Angel: Ijhdtpj… pjrh0ph… rdjykyk…

2: *asleep on keyboard*

1: *smacks her* Wake up, moron! This is a very dramatic scene!

2: Wha… OMG, IS THAT EWAN IN GLASSES?!

1: *sigh* *pulls out dart gun*

2: I… will… not… be… silenced!!

1: And you know, I’m the uke too. *shakes head*

Ed: SHE’S COMING!!

Roy: IT’S A SHE?

Ed: HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?

Envy: PLEASE TURN OFF THE CAPS LOCK, AUTHORESS 1.

Angel: *gets perky all the sudden* Ooh, a baby girl! I can give her this! *pulls out Tinkie Winkie’s pink purse*

Roy: Just how did you get that?

Angel: *blush* I’d rather not talk about it…

Ed: WE’D RATHER NOT HEAR ABOUT IT. *in intense pain*

Envy: Who says it need to be a girl for that, anyway?

Spike: *glomps Envy*

Spike: Pink purses are such a turn on.

Envy: *turns into a pink purse*

Spike: *faints*

As Spike collapses on the ground, a strange rumbling is heard…

All: *grab on to each other in terror*

The SPENVY letters: *rise out of the ground like they do in Sesame Street*

Envy: *gapes in awe* Spike! Spike! Look! We’re immortal!

Spike: *de-faints* OH MY GOD!

Ed: I’M HAVING CONTRACTIONS HERE!

Angel: *squeals again*

Roy: Uh, uh, uh, we need to get him to a hospital! Yeah! That sounds right!

Hospital: *appears*

Envy: *reads the sign* The SPENVY Island Hospital of Mental Maladies and Male Pregnancy?

Spike: That describes our situation perfectly.

Roy: Let’s go let’s go let’s GO!

Angel: *loads Ed onto stretcher*

Roy: Um, Angel? That’s not a stretcher, that’s a stripper.

Angel: *giggles*

Stripper: Well I never!

Wes: Ha. Ha.

Envy: Just use him, otherwise Ed’s gonna pop like a little grape. *snickers*

Roy: Sorry! We’ll pay you later!

They run into the hospital

Nurse: Yes, do you have an appointment?

Roy: Lady, this guy’s giving birth! It’s an emergency!

Nurse: Sir, we don’t treat male pregnancy here.

Envy: But the sign said-

Nurse: This hospital treats maid pregnancies.

Envy: Oops.

Nurse: *sigh* Maybe I can make an exception. Do you have an appointment?

Spike: Eh, Miss, *grabs Envy* we ARE SPENVY.

Envy: Tee hee hee!

Nurse: Sir, I’m sorry, but if you don’t have an appointment… I can’t let you in unless you’re a maid.

Wes: *dark little smile comes to his features*

Ed: *whimpers*

Wes: Come. Here. Ed.

All: *stare*

Ed: Um… I can’t move! I- I’m pregnant!

Ed: Oh, wait…

Wes: Ok. I’ll. Come. To. You.

Ed: Oh- no- NOOOOOOO!!

*censored scene*

2: Damn the censors!

1: Geez! This is important stuff we’re missing here!

2: And ya know, you’re the one doing the censoring…

1: No I’m not!

2: Well, don’t look at me!

Evil Higher Being: *laughs maliciously*

Ed: *in the stripper’s maid outfit* @.@

Stripper: Hey! *mysterious plant-like thing blocking certain parts*

Envy: *attempts to peer around it*

Angel: *whines* What are those PLANTS doing there, they’re blocking the view!

Angel: *notices Ed* Oh, shnookums, that’s so ADORABLE!

Ed: *in shock*

Nurse: What are you people doing?! Don’t just stand around, this maid is having a baby! *wheels Ed away on the stripper*

All: *follow in a nervous panic*

Spike: Hang in there mate, you’ll pull through!

Envy: *encouragingly* I had a baby once. It tore open my insides!

Spike: *stares* I’ll never look at you the same way again, luv.

Ed: Envy *wheeze* not *gasp* helping! *makes unnerving gurgling noises*

Angel: *chews fingernails rabidly*

Wes: This. Is. So. Cool.

1: The Authoresses would like to take a moment of your time to explain something that must have been bothering the readers very much.

2: Huh? *wakes up from dart-gun coma*

1: I bet you've all been wondering: Just how did Ed get pregnant?

1: After all, the was no smex!

2: True, very true.

1: So, we're going to explain.

1: Why Wesley is talking oddly:

2: Ooh! *hops up and down with anticipation*

1: 2… you’re the only one who knows why. Enlighten us.

2: Well, ya know, that night… um, while Ed was, sleeping... yeah, sleeping... Wes sorta, well, snuck into his room, place, or thing... and he, kinda, well, how do I put this...

2: HE T----*is bound and gagged by an invisible assailant*

1: O.o

1: But 2... Wesley only started talking strangely at the beginning of this chapter!

2: *reply is muffled by invisible gag*

1: It looks like there is a plot afoot here…

2: *nods violently*

1: Well, Ed's been laboring away this whole time, so let's look back in on him!

Ed: IT’S COMING----

Angel: WHATZOMGAHH!!

Ed: *eyes cross* Oof!

Baby: *wails with a British accent*

Spike: ‘Ello there, gimpy!

Ed: Wait, how can our child be- AUGH!

Angel: ZOMGANOTHERONE!!

Ed: *eyes cross* Geh!

Theme Song: *starts as baby is born* Dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUN…

Roy: *has somehow ended up holding both babies*

Wes: Let. Me. Hold. One.

Ed: *struggles upright* Give them to me! They're MY babies! *snarls maternally*

Roy: *hands them over to Ed, because he is scarier*

Angel: Aww, aren’t they just PRECIOUS?

Ed: Two boys, huh… How am I supposed to breast-feed them?

Envy: *raises hand* I can help with that.

Ed: *squints at him suspiciously* How do I know you won't poison them?

Envy: You'd know. My boobs would be blue.

All: *long silence*

Wes: How. Interesting. *grins*

Roy: ...Um, dear, are you feeling all right? You've been acting strangely...

Wes: Why. Yes. Roy. I. Am. Fine.

Roy: If you say so…

Angel: Hmmm…

Spike: What is it about that bloody theme song that’s so familiar!

Angel: I think that their names should be Blake Edwards and Antwon Merriweather!! *giggles like a chipmunk with rabies*

Ed: Ha ha ha… NO.

Angel: Aww… *pout*

Ed: Well, I think we should name the one with jet-black hair and piercing green eyes Tom.

Angel: Can’t we name him Marvolo, because he’s so mahvoloos!

Ed: No! I like Tom!

Angel: Mar-voh-loh!

Ed: TOM!

Angel: MARVOLO!

Ed: FINE! His name will be Tom Marvolo Elric!

Angel: Well, FINE! Use YOUR last name why don’t you!! *scoffs*

Ed: Well… what’s your last name, Angel?

Angel: Thank you for asking. It’s…

Angel: …

Angel: …

Angel: …uh…

Angel: OH FINE! You win!

Ed: *smirks*

Ed: Now what about this little guy? He looks kinda average… except for the theme song…

Spike: Seriously, it’s driving me insane!!

Roy: I want one of those. *daydreams about it*

Wes: I’ll. Get. You. One. Honey.

Envy: Name him Hoenheim the Second! *boobs turn blue*

Ed: HELL NO.

Angel: How about Anakin La Fawnduh?

Angel: Or Ani for short.

Ed: Oh, all right.

Al: *bursts in with Wrath in tow* BROTHER!

Conner: *bursts in with Doyle in tow* Dad!

Ed: Al! Come meet your nephews!

Angel: Conner! Come meet your half-brothers!

Al: *chokes up* Brother, they’re ADORABLE! *coos at them*

Babies: *stare at giant suit of armor leaning over them*

Conner: Screw you, Dad! You abandoned me and left me to die in Quor-Toth!

Babies: *listen and get ideas*

Angel: Actually, Wesley kidnapped you and Holtz raised you in Quor-Toth.

2: Nooo! No canon, no canon!

1: So you’ve freed yourself from your invisible gag?

2: Uh, yeah, sure… go with that.

Wrath: Babies… babies crying… *screeches and writhes upon the floor*

Doyle: *points to 2* Hey, what are ya doin’ with my hat?

2: *blushes, and hands it over*

1: Yeah 2, what were you doing?

2: Nothing! You know NOTHING of me and my hat-sex! *hides*

1: Actually, I was joking… *looks green*

2: *cackles insanely*

Roy: Well, now that all that's over, what do you say we all just head back to the abandoned Smile Time theatre? We could turn it into a kickin' replica of the Birdcage.

Doyle: I guess I’ll come along for the ride. *grabs Conner*

Angel: We need to make a cute cribby-wibby for Ani and Marvolo!

Ed: Here, I’ll make something for Ani and Tom. *hands babies off to Envy and does clappy-alchemy*

Al: *cheerfully picks up the still-flailing Wrath* I'll come too! Gosh, I can't believe I'm an uncle!

Conner: *grumbles and gripes*

Ed: Well, then- let’s go!

All of our heroes make their way to the abandoned Smile Time Theater (using the stripper as a raft), and all seems well. Little do they know what horrors are to befall them . . .



Whew! This chapter really wears you out! But, it seems all is right with our charactors. Nothing forboeding is happening. NOTHING! I SWEAR! Not even any news from the squirrels!

Whew! That took a while. Um, right, insomniatic me will be going off to be now. Ta ta!

~Maddie~
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